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Have you ever heard the saying "Fake it til' you make it"? I truly, truly, believe that if you place positivity in yourself then you can emit it. Even if you don't feel like nothing is going positive at all! I'm very big on spiritual vibes and what it can release to your surroundings. I just recently learned this about myself. If you're not happy and not optimistic then its going to show. BUT fake it til' you make it honey because at some point you're going to believe that you are better than what you once thought you were. I know it sounds crazy but there's always a method to some form of madness. That's what I had to do.
Recently, I went through a life-changing experience where it involved love. When you lose someone you truly love, it drives you mad. You don't know what to do with yourself and how to cope with the loss. You start doing things you don't usually do, you question yourself, and you doubt yourself. I've had two experiences in life that made me change my outlook on life. I think this recent one was for the better. I understood that crying and moping does nothing for me! Being the type of woman that I am, I don't mess with anything unless it benefits me. So, I had to learn to rely on a higher power for strength and guidance because I had lost humanly hope. I'm not a bible thumper but I started reading it and I truly enjoy what I read. It's crazy that I can't focus on a reading a text book for class (I really think I have something going on with my attention span lol) but when it comes to the bible, I can focus and understand what I am reading. I even turned off Love and Hip Hop to read it!
But I believe that you have to start somewhere and it may take a week or a year but it'll happen. I can remember being as young as 9 years old and I felt so stressed about life. I was super self-conscious about how I look, where I was from, and what my family thought of me. I was a white girl in the hood and I had no one to relate to. I'm super shy and that has held me back from so many opportunities in life. For years, I worried about the wrong things and how to attain them. I can go and on but my stress wasn't really different from any one else's.
It took me 22 years to find some ground to land on but I did. I can see it. Now I just have to get there safely. I just had to realize what my problems are in life.
I'm a control freak. I'm self-conscious. I played mind games in my relationship. I'm insecure. I hate my smile. I'm so insane at times. I couldn't move on from the past. I wasn't comfortable in love. I wasn't supportive enough to my friends. I didn't know what I wanted in life. I had a war within myself about my level of greatness. It interfered with my happiness and my relationships. I was so stuck on the negative things about me that it overshadowed who I really was.
I woke up one morning after reading my bible and praying to my God that previous night and I had so much clarity on my life. It was like seeing everything clear without having my contact lenses in. I know who I am and what I have to do in life.
I'm a humanitarian. I'm a feminist. I'm a Guardian ad Litem and I advocate for broken children. I like to debate on world issues. I love hearing about life from the mouth of someone whose been through it. I'm beautiful. I'm smart and I'm going somewhere in life. I'm loyal. I love to help people with their emotions. I'm a strong lover. I'm ME.
I have a long way to go to be fully comfortable with love and with my life. But, at least, I've became honest about who I really was. Being honest with yourself and open to life and love is so important because then you start to influence positivity all around you and that feels amazing.
In order to be yourself, you have to know yourself.
