To Fall For Him or Nah?

So about a thug's thoughts...

*le sigh* Here it goes....

 

Why is it that women get labeled "too attached", "crazy", or "in their feelings" when they ask a guy about their intentions with her? I don't see what the problem is. Look at it like this, dude is taking up YOUR time, giving YOU conversation, and getting to know YOU. So, why is wrong to question where that relationship is going? Okay, so he hits you with the "well, I'm not trying to be in a relationship right now". In your head you scream "Me either, Asshole! Damn, can't I just get some type of direction?" However, you just say "I understand. Just thought I ask". Don't you just hate that?

Once you spend enough time with someone you clearly build a bond. The bond I'm referring to isn't about just kicking it together, texting (ugh I feel like that is so childish but I guess), and occasional phone calls. This bond is much stronger. This bond involves intimate conversation about real shit, quality-building time together, and the occasional great intimacy. The more I've experienced as a younger woman, the more I've grown into a more knowledgeable woman. Therefore, I know what I will and will not accept with guys and I also know how imperative it is to know who and what I'm getting mixed up with.

I think that we as women purposely ignite relationships with men that they know are no good for them! I also think that we do this because naturally, women are lovers, nurturers, and caring and we yearn for companionship, loyalty, and comfortableness. In turn, we think that we're going to turn this 'dangerous player' into what we need. However, it RARELY works out like that.

So, I started to take a different approach on dating. First, I create my own rules, my own boundaries, and keep my own mind. I find that we let the wrong qualities (*coughs* bedroom boom!) blind us of what we really need to thrive and to be happy. Secondly, if I don't have all 3 things I need in this friendship/relationship, well I'm going to accept 2... Now, hear me out: I say this because if I knowingly agree to something then I can't complain when its all said and done. That goes back to the boundaries that you set you must know the consequences of being blinded and to avoid that. Third, you can't be afraid or hesitant to have a talk about what you want or need for the time being out of this relationship. Having that talk will save you loads of deceit, heartbreak, and slashed tires. Sometimes (shit, probably 75% of the time) you all aren't going to agree on anything. Some one may leave upset or in tears but that's waaaay better than to have those same feelings prolonged for months or even years.

Love and Life is like making a million and one mistakes to actually it get it right. We all learn and grow from experience.

 

Haaaaan!

 

Finding Out Who I Am In Life

Love.

 

 Have you ever heard the saying "Fake it til' you make it"? I truly, truly, believe that if you place positivity in yourself then you can emit it. Even if you don't feel like nothing is going positive at all!  I'm very big on spiritual vibes and what it can release to your surroundings. I just recently learned this about myself. If you're not happy and not optimistic then its going to show. BUT fake it til' you make it honey because at some point you're going to believe that you are better than what you once thought you were. I know it sounds crazy but there's always a method to some form of madness. That's what I had to do.

Recently, I went through a life-changing experience where it involved love. When you lose someone you truly love, it drives you mad. You don't know what to do with yourself and how to cope with the loss. You start doing things you don't usually do, you question yourself, and you doubt yourself. I've had two experiences in life that made me change my outlook on life. I think this recent one was for the better. I understood that crying and moping does nothing for me! Being the type of woman that I am, I don't mess with anything unless it benefits me. So, I had to learn to rely on a higher power for strength and guidance because I had lost humanly hope. I'm not a bible thumper but I started reading it and I truly enjoy what I read. It's crazy that I can't focus on a reading a text book for class (I really think I have something going on with my attention span lol) but when it comes to the bible, I can focus and understand what I am reading. I even turned off Love and Hip Hop to read it!

But I believe that you have to start somewhere and it may take a week or a year but it'll happen. I can remember being as young as 9 years old and I felt so stressed about life. I was super self-conscious about how I look, where I was from, and what my family thought of me. I was a white girl in the hood and I had no one to relate to. I'm super shy and that has held me back from so many opportunities in life. For years, I worried about the wrong things and how to attain them. I can go and on but my stress wasn't really different from any one else's.

It took me 22 years to find some ground to land on but I did. I can see it. Now I just have to get there safely. I just had to realize what my problems are in life.

I'm a control freak. I'm self-conscious. I played mind games in my relationship. I'm insecure. I hate my smile. I'm so insane at times. I couldn't move on from the past. I wasn't comfortable in love. I wasn't supportive enough to my friends. I didn't know what I wanted in life. I had a war within myself about my level of greatness. It interfered with my happiness and my relationships. I  was so stuck on the negative things about me that it overshadowed who I really was.

I woke up one morning after reading my bible and praying to my God  that previous night and I had so much clarity on my life. It was like seeing everything clear without having my contact lenses in. I know who I am and what I have to do in life.

I'm a humanitarian. I'm a feminist. I'm a Guardian ad Litem and I advocate for broken children. I like to debate on world issues. I love hearing about life from the mouth of someone whose been through it. I'm beautiful. I'm smart and I'm going somewhere in life. I'm loyal. I love to help people with their emotions. I'm a strong lover. I'm ME.

I have a long way to go to be fully comfortable with love and with my life. But, at least, I've became honest about who I really was. Being honest with yourself and open to life and love is so important because then you start to influence positivity all around you and that feels amazing. 

In order to be yourself, you have to know yourself.

 

 



For The Broken, Cracked, and Torn Women.....

"Power is being told you are not loved and not being destroyed by it"
Madonna

Sweet, beautiful, loyal soul that lies within
I know you've given your all.
You've been stabbed, spat on, and hurt
And there have been many names that you've been called.

Sweet, beautiful, loyal soul that lies within
That walk through the fire was a scary thing.
You finally let your guard down and let him in
Only to realize you made a peasant into your King.

Sweet, beautiful, loyal soul that lies within
I know that you lost your way
He tore you down to little pieces
But little pieces you shall not stay!

Sweet, beautiful, loyal soul that lies within
Those tears throughout the years never seem to stop
He underestimated your greatness
But never forget you are a Goddess that belongs on top.

Sweet, beautiful, loyal soul that lies within
No longer tied down by the restraints of fear
You walk with your head high
And your sweet, beautiful, loyal soul starts to appear.






Half White Girl Talks Hip Hop

Half White Girl

 

There has been chitter chatter since the start of the 2000's about the state of Hip Hop and the decline in music from New York. It's become even more louder with the resignation of Angie Martinez from Hot 97. Angie left Hot 97 to go work for the rival station which is Power 105. Both stations are based in New York. However, they're received differently by their audience. Hot 97’s morning show with Peter Rosenberg and Cipha Sounds is losing to Power’s Breakfast Club's DJ Envy, Angela Yee and Charlamagne Tha God daily. But when it comes to a rite of passage for up and coming new rap artists, Hot 97 is what you want your music to be played on. It's known for it's binding glue in the hip hop culture. Besides getting an interview with Angie Martinez, Hot 97 was a priority to new artists. But every dictatorship falls at some point in time Now, Hot 97 is being blamed for the decline in the culture. It's apparent that a younger generation is taking a liking to Power 105.

 

Why is that? Because they're only keeping up. Radio is business. Hip Hop is culture. The audience has so much power in what we want to hear from a radio station. For example, the audience will choose Trinidad James "All Gold Everything" over an Action Bronson record. With that being said, can we blame the South for their records being played too much? Is it even considered a "blaming game" at this point? Power 105 is keeping up with the evolution of Hip Hop. At this time in history, you'd be a fool to say hip hop isn't changing or wasn't meant to change. The only way to bring the old hip hop back is to ban all new music that doesn't fit the criteria so new generation has no choice but to listen to authentic rap....Now who in the hell is going to do that? *side eye* This era is extremely important in the hip hop culture because it's going to determine our culture's future. It's a war between good music and bad music right now.

 

Oh and FYI Hip Hop is not dead!!

 

Hip Hop didn't die, it changed. In my honest opinion, it changed for the worst. With today's music, you can't benefit from a Migos track or you almost get killed at a Chief Keef concert. But you do get that realness from Jay Z or those crazy dope verses from Lloyd Banks. Our hip hop culture is supposed to thrive and be something that be benefits us as a community and society. It's supposed to be a battle of wits and rhymes. It's supposed to be a sport of You vs The Other Guy. Don't get me wrong, I think we should have a few twerk songs here and there because we need to move to something in the club. But why do we have so much of that? Naturally, this brings me back to our blame game. I say we blame these damn black owned record companies. I mean you can almost expect a white ceo of a record company to put out some bull as opposed to a black one. But nowadays it seems like even the black head honchos in this culture can care less about what their community listens to or how it effects them. Hip Hop is based on profit now. Why do you think we see all the chains, money, cars, clothes, and hoes? It's what they authorize to the viewing audience. They rather put out someone who can be easily influenced by their contract dollar amount as opposed to someone who wants to stay true their self and culture. You honestly think a record company will back some of these underground artists? Only a few! And they have to be out here grinding for years and years! For instance, Kendrick Lamar has been rapping since 2003 and mainstream audience hears of him in 2013? His underground audience grew over those 10 years and they had no choice to make a buck off of him his way.

But hey, what do I know? I'm just a half white girl from the south that actually pays attention to what's going on around me and the damage that's being done.

 

 

Social Network: The Devil or Nah?

Today, I decided to say F*** the world and the social birds in it! I'm speaking of social networking. Social networking is overrated; you don’t need to be linked to every site. If I am linked to every site, it should bring me some type of revenue or opportunities. Right?

The only social network I think is acceptable  for me is Facebook. I say this because Facebook help you stay connected to old friends and distant family. Now, I think Twitter is absolutely stupid. So much is shared on there. Most information in my opinion is irrelevant. Guys and gals make these accounts and rely on 140 characters to boost their ego or confirm some type of personality they came up with. I mean seriously, are you really networking or looking for a following? Those are totally different things in my book. Networking is to actually connecting with different people and exchanging information for a purpose. A follower count? Just makes you feel good. And not to mention the slander that takes place on there. I mean damn, people really have zero sense and aren't comprehensive of what's going on around them. I'm not going to lie, those memes are hilarious! But slandering some poor girl because she was beat up or said something politically incorrect is just mean.

 Twitter is a trend. It's like high school all over again except everyone is behind keyboards and key pads. That's why I deleted my account for the time being. I was following people that I knew and it wasn't really what I wanted to see. Once I got out of the "trend" mindset that black twitter instilled in me and got into my "business" mindset then I really found no use for the account. I mean I'm not in career field yet so who am I going to network to? How am I going to better myself or help someone else via that account? Until that day comes, its gonna to stay deleted.

Twitter ends friendships, relationships and careers. Don’t get me wrong, it is solely based on what the user puts out there but for some reason people just get inadvertently trashy on twitter more than Facebook.  I am very careful with what I submit to a site. I work for the governor of Florida and that wouldn’t look too good for me. Additionally, I hold myself to a higher, more professional standard personally.  As far as employer views and actions, I feel as if an employer is doing too much when they search for you on a social network. Technically, what I do or say on my own time shouldn’t have anything to do with my employer as long as I am not breaking any policies and doing my job when I'm there. But it is a sticky situation when you’re applying for a job and they are searching for you on a social network in order to determine if they should hire you. You should be smart about what you post and share. Since the MySpace era, we’ve always been warned about social networking and what we post. Only a small percentage has heeded to that warning. 

Stereotypes, Italian-Americans, and The Media

 

I was born and raised in a stereotypical society. I’m biracial and I have cream colored skin with long curly dark brown hair. My outside features alone cause me to be categorized as something I am not. I’m constantly being referred to as a Hispanic, a Caucasian, or an African American. People stereotype me as something that I’m not and it has grown quite annoying and offensive over the years. But the crowd in my community that stereotypes me is very small compared to a culture of people being categorized based off of shows and movies. For example, the Italian Americans have been notoriously depicted over the years as mobsters, thieves, and murderers through media and film. There are several shows and movies that portray Italian Americans in a violent way. Furthermore, Italian-Americans are always stereotyped as being associated with the mafia. It wasn’t until the movies and television shows mentioned that people starting viewing Italians as "mobsters". For example, the movie Goodfellas follows the life of Henry Hill who grows up and becomes a gangster turned snitch. Another example of the media portraying Italians as mobsters was the HBO show The Sopranos. Reality shows such as the Mob Wives enhance the depiction of Italians and their families as mobsters. All of the media portrayals of Italians Americans almost always receives backlash from the Italian Community and causes some type of controversy. This image placed upon Italian Americans has plagued them for years.

 

 

         

 

In more recent years, groups such as the American Italian Defense Associate and the National Italian American Foundation have protested the depiction of Italians in the HBO television series The Sopranos.

 

The series revolves around the New Jersey-based Italian-American mobster Tony Soprano and the problems he encounters when he tries to balance his home life and the criminal organization he is the leader of. Additionally, Bryan Smith of the Chicago Sun Times stated that the popular HBO show about mobsters is a “dime store art” and built around stereotypes and clichés. This show depicts the Italians American culture as having no regards to human life, respect for authority, and thieves. Furthermore, I have personally watched this show, and it does depict Italians as such. However, the producers of The Soprano show did have a lawsuit against filed against them by an Italian-American lawyers group in Chicago called the American Italian Defense Association. As stated by ABC News, the lawsuit was filed under obscure individual dignity. This simply meant that the show made every Italian American look like Mobsters to people who did not know or understand the Italian culture. The lawsuit was only seeking a declaratory judgment. They did not ask for damages or for the show to be taken off the air (ABC News, 2001). In spite of all the evidence that was presented to the judge, the case was dismissed by a judge in Chicago.

 

 

 

 

 

       

“As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. To me, being a gangster was better than being President of the United States”.  This is a quote is from Henry Hill played by Ray Liotta in the movie Goodfellas. Goodfellas is a movie about the business and a culture of organized crime in 1970’s New York. Furthermore, this is another perfect example of the negative portrayal of Italian Americans. For example, all the actors and actresses playing Italians in this movie have something negative effect to their character such as one may be a thief, a murderer, or a prostitute.  However, GoodFellas is ultimately a very well-produced film. The movie presents a more sensible and more hands-on take through the eyes of someone who is not yet influential or important within the criminal organization, rather than through the eyes of the superior. Most Italians Americans can agree that movie was well put together but the message behind it was offensive.

           

The reality show Mob Wives is based on the wives and daughters of former members of the Italian Mob. This is yet another form of media that exploits Italian-Americans and provides a distorted view of their culture. According to Stated Island Advance, James Molinaro, son of Italian Immigrants and Borough President of Staten Island said that the show doesn’t put Staten Island in a good light, whether you’re Italian or not. For instance, all the women on the show constantly fight and make reference to their mobster association. He also mentioned that he doesn’t doubt that there are real mob characters in Staten Island however it should not be glorified through the media. In addition, in that same article, Dr. Mary Rose Barranco Morris, chair of the Staten Island Network of National Organization of Italian American Women said that she is personally offended by the show. Furthermore, the women on the show are not good role models for their community. For example, the women on the show are always fighting and arguing. In addition to the fighting, it generally takes places in public forums. Therefore, Italians Americans do not want their daughters aspiring to become a ‘Mob Wife’. This reality show amplifies the viewer’s perception of the negative portrayal of not only Italian Americans but the communities they live in.

           

In my overall opinion, I believe that the media contributes heavily to the stereotyping of Italian Americans. Their race and culture have been distorted and made out to be something it is not. Every race has some type of criminal activity but it is not the media’s job to glorify or exploit it. The Italian American stereotypes are very much predictable in the media in this day and age due to the media mainstream being flooded with Italian movies and shows based on the mob. Negative depiction typically causes conflict and a person who is ignorant to a particular culture may judge that culture based on what the media presents. For example, the general incorrect facts of the Italian culture is that they’re overly interested in food,  they’re hot tempered and violent, they’re associated with the mob, and they’re loud and obnoxious. However, the Italians are actually very deeply in touch with their culture in Italy. Some positive examples are that they are excellent cooks, their family is very important to them, and they are very inspired by the arts. Yet it’s difficult for Americans to not believe the false attributes that is being described in the movies and reality television shows. Sadly, it appears as if the negative portrayals are not going to stop any time soon with the media.

 

Being Secretly 'Hood' in the Office enviroment

Okay, so I recently started a new job in an office as an Administrative Secretary. I’ve been here since August of 2013. If you were to look up my duties and the pay then you’d say something like “Damn, that’s a good job, Ash!” Well, I can’t even lie. It really is an awesome place to work. There’s a number of reasons why this job is the sh*t. I take online classes so I have ample time to do school work. They let me off when I need it. I get paid for being off (personal time, holidays, etc). We’re always having parties. Everyone is friendly. Okay, that’s it.

Now here’s my dilemma. Even though I’m surrounded by nice, my-father-color faces for 8 hours a day, it’s still hard to blend. You may be thinking what the hell are you talking about Ash? I know, I know. I’m practically white too (Black Mother/White Father). And initially, I thought the same thing….

However, I forgot how I hood I was!

MUSIC:

In addition, I listen to hood music at my desk. So, I’m always low-key with listening to Juicy J or Big Sean. I’m sorry I don’t listen to Jason Aldean and his song about riding his big green tractor (was that his song though?) So, my coworkers are always blasting their country music and I’m over here with headphones on trying to balance listening to Juicy J talk about bands making someone dance and listening out for my desk phone. Then I start dancing or singing at my desk. Ultimately, someone walks by and I have to laugh it off or explain that I was working my glutes. It’s skressful mane!

FOOD:

Parties are always fun right? FREE FOOD is the absolute effin’ best! Obviously, I’m always looking forward to the parties at work. The first party I attended at my job was for Thanksgiving. Okay, so I’m hyped up. Again, it’s FREE FOOD. The day of the party I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch…yes, the thirst was real.

I peeped the table where all the food was from across the room. All these different smells raced towards my nose and my stomach took them all in like “Whats up withcu?” Okay, so I get in line and wait. Finally I get to the table and not only am I highly confused but pissed!

I open the trays and I’m staring at the food in awe. “What the hell is this?” Some lady whose mouth was watering explained what everything was. “Zucchini bread” “some Japanese dish” (thanks Kowit) “Organic dip” “Raw Broccoli and vinaigrette dressing” and so on! Man, I threw… no, no I slammed dunked my plate in the trash and walked back to my office. 

 

CONVERSATION:

Fat Boy in the Picture

I can honestly say that I do talk a lot. It can be about a lot of things. But in my office, all they can seem to talk about is football and their kids. They occasionally talk about Miley Cyrus (that's because we are ALL in shock of her behavior). I don’t care too much for football and I don’t have kids. So I’m just like the little fat kid in that picture. Then when I’m actually in conversation with someone then I have to carefully choose my words. I told you I speak in slang. I speak in slang almost 90% of the time when talking. I even said “What's Good?” to my boss one morning! SMH! I catch myself saying all types of things. It’s embarrassing to be honest. I was raised by a black mother, black step father, and a southern ass grandmother. It’s just how I talk but its common sense for any white collar worker to understand the importance of your speech. It needs to be clear and educated to a certain degree. I’m in no way shape or form illiterate by a longshot. I know what I want to say, it just comes out a tad bit hood.

Overall, I love my job. I'm in college for legal studies so I need to shape up soon!

I can't work for a law firm and tell clients to not "front on me"......